


I Don't Believe in Miracles

by fallenforsupernatural



Category: Supernatural
Genre: First Person, M/M, No Plot, Sam POV, Unhappy Ending, spoilers for 9x23
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-21
Updated: 2014-05-21
Packaged: 2018-01-25 23:27:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1666391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallenforsupernatural/pseuds/fallenforsupernatural
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Without Dean, Sam isn't Sam Winchester. He's just... half of a person. (set post-Do You Believe in Miracles)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Don't Believe in Miracles

**Author's Note:**

> i just watched the season finale and now i'm miserable so be miserable with me.

It’s strange.

It shouldn’t be,

I’ve watched him die before. I’ve held him in my arms when he took his last breath. He held me. This is nothing new.

But god. The pain never gets easier. Because this time—this time I know that I can’t get my brother back. My brother, my heart, my soul, my everything.

I wish it had been me. I would have taken that stupid blade and shoved it through my own heart, if I knew that it would work. I could have found Dean in heaven. We could have been _together_. He’s my heaven. Even with all the angel chaos, Dean would have found me. It’s what we do. We fight for each other, we love each other, we die for each other.

We’re the freaking _Winchesters_.

I’m going to save my brother.

In a way, I’m dead too. A whole half of me isn’t working, isn’t functioning. I gave my heart away and now it’s no longer beating. The difference between Dean and me, however, is that I’m awake. I feel every minute, every second, every _pulse_ of heart-wrenching pain.

I’m not dead.

But I _want_ to be.

I’m sitting in the bunker with my head in my hands. Every memory I’ve ever had of the two of us is flashing in my mind. Dean spoon feeding me baby food and wiping milk off my chin after my bottle. Changing my diaper. Reading me bedtime stories and walking me to school. Sitting with me until I feel asleep after I had a nightmare. I used to despise those memories.

Now I’d give an arm and a leg to get them back.

My heart is already gone.

Dean was—is—my hero. My soldier. My brother. The word doesn’t have enough meaning to capture what Dean means to me. I don’t have a mother or a father. I have a Dean. A lover, a friend, a companion, a protector—my Dean. I’ve defined my life by the love I have for my brother.

What am I without him?

I know Dean. I know he’d never leave me. He always found his way back to me.

Now it’s my turn. I have to find my way back to Dean.

 


End file.
